I need you to tell me that you value our friendship and that I mean something to you. That I’m more than a workmate and more than just one of those meaningless interns you have hooked up with. I’m vocal and open about my feelings, everyone knows that. I adore you, you are like a brother, someone who knows me better than most. Over the past few years you have shone a light on parts of myself I didn’t even know were there, parts that have gone on to become integral and essential parts of who I am today. I’d do anything for you and you know it.
I need you to tell me how you feel, tell me that our friendship means something to you because as you’ve never said the words, my shitty self worth and ability to spiral things out of control means that I don’t think you care about me and that I don’t mean anything to you. It’s not that you’ve ever done anything to make me feel this way, it’s because my head is a shitty, dark place that some times my fears and my self doubt get the best of me. It’s why when I freak out and have a panic attack I get needy and clingy – it’s because I get desperate for something to make me feel validated. If I provoke you and start an argument at least I feel like you are acknowledging me. It’s the same reason I get jealous and pissy at you over stupid things (like when you comment on the other girls we work with) – because you don’t explicitly say that I mean anything to you, my stupid fears get the better of me and tell me that you don’t care about me because I’m worthless and nobody would like me anyway, and your saying thing these things about others just proves it.
It’s not that your actions don’t say it, it is that because I am the way that I am, I need to hear the words. I need you to give me a hug and hold me and tell me that you care about me.