Why Kink?

In response to athena kallistei‘s post “Why Kink?”

I’ve always been someone who enjoyed porn. My first real experience with the endless pornographic undercurrent of the internet was at 16 when I would come home late at night from my after school job in a supermarket and would sneakily google “erotic fantasies”. Reading stories of two girls exploring each other’s bodies would get me excited and provide endless fodder for my sexually charged teenage brain. Finding the website literotica.com was like finding the Holy Grail – an endless supply of written word designed for nothing other than fuelling my fantasies. Looking back I remember finding myself drawn to stories is the “non-consent” category, stories of women being kidnapped and raped, forced into sexual acts against their will.

Later in my teenage years, armed with a laptop and broadband connection, I discovered the wonderland of video hosting sites such as redtube.com and pornhub.com. The same pattern would follow almost every time – I would find a clip, nothing out of the ordinary, and begin watching. As I became more and more aroused I would seek out videos tagged as ‘rough’ or ‘forced’. I would never dare search for these clips to start with though, it was always something I did when I became turned on. Immediately after coming I would quickly close the browser, disgusted in myself and denying the effect such scenes had on me.

Things changed in my mid-twenties when a close friend emailed me a clip from Fucking Machines. Going on to visit the fuckingmachines.com site itself, I found myself exploring kink.com – opening my mind to things I never allowed myself to even consider. Suddenly, here was everything I had been desperately searching for, even though until this point I had been unable to admit or even articulate the desires to myself. Discovering that BDSM existed was like turning on a light – knowledge that there were communities of people out there who were into what I was was liberating in a way that felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders.

Once I allowed myself to acknowledge these suppressed desires and explore them, I became more and more in touch with what I really wanted.

Being “kinky” has allowed me to connect, both on a physical and intellectual level, with people who understand BDSM and the needs that come with it. It has allowed me to be open about what I want and by being open, allowed the building of trust and setting of boundaries required to make fantasies reality.

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A big part of kink for me personally is the ability to be submissive and give up control. I have always been a control freak, teachers described 5 year old me as being a “natural leader” and I need to feel as though I am in control at all times. Being submissive with someone allows me to give up any and all control of the situation and as such allow someone else the power of controlling me, something I am unable to do in day-to-day life.

I’ve never delved too far into myself conscious, probably out of fear of what I will find. Maybe the reason I like to be beaten and used during sex is because that is all I think I am worthy of (“we accept the love we think we deserve”)? Maybe it’s because, having struggled with mental illness all my life, I feel I am messed up and broken in ways that make it impossible for anyone to love me? Who would know?
What I do know is that having someone choke me sex, use me and abuse me satisfies and satiates me in such a way that it can’t be wrong, and it can’t be compared.

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About desireanddepravity

The sexual adventures of an experimental 20-something.
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5 Responses to Why Kink?

  1. Venom says:

    You googled the actual term “erotic fantasies”? If I were to have Google at my disposal when I was sixteen, my search words would have been much dirtier…! 😉

  2. Pingback: Why Kink? Part Three of a Series, Featuring desireanddepravity | athena kallistei

  3. leviathan0999 says:

    Wandered over here from Athena Kallistei’s blog, and I want to add my thanks to hers.

    If you’ve seen my comments over there, you may have noticed I’m Mr. Boring Het-Guy from Bland Vanillaland. I think I’d probably be Poly if that were an available option for me, but, you know the definition of a Poly man married to a strictly monogamous woman? Yeah, that would be an asshole who cheats, so, not so much with the poly for me.

    I have a dear online friend who’s into kink, at least into a spanking kink. From my perch in Vanillaland, she looks little different than you and Athena, but of course, that’s foolishness. Everyone’s experience is their own and unique. I mention her because we’ve talked kink and why kink in the past, and it’s struck me as telling that she’s a woman who is deeply depressive, more steeped in self-loathing than anyone else I have ever known, and with less reason.A woman who will in any situation find a way to use it as a cudgel with which to beat herself up. And she has a kink for being spanked by someone who gloats his power over her and his desire to hurt her. (It all has to be in a fantasy setting. If the scene were set up to use, say, an actual failure to pick someone up at the airport as the infraction bringing the punishment — something she feels she’s actually done wrong, in other words — then she has no fun at all.)

    Anyway, the reason I mention this is that I draw a connection between that self-loathing state of mind and her desire to be “punished.” And she hates that, and finds it offensive. It’s not something I think of as “invalidating” the kink; it’s just a, to me, interesting speculation, logically consistent with facts, about why she has it, and where it’s from.

    I think it’s related to your Vimeo clip above: “We accept the love we think we deserve.

    Thank you, by the way, for including that clip. It’s one of my favorite moments from one of my favorite movies. (I slightly prefer the later scene where Charlie passes it on to Sam when she’s at her lowest, because on the one hand, it shows his growth and how wisdom and comfort can be carried from friend to friend. Plus, Emma Watson! {No, really, she’s my own pet kink. I’m four years younger than her father, too, so, feel free to say, “Ew!“}) So you get extra bonus points for using the clip.

    Anyway, I don’t think my armchair psychoanalysis (Free Psychiatric Advice, Worth Half What You Pay For It!) above applies universally, and I certainly have no reason to think it applies to you, but I do find it interesting that some very mild form of it seems to come up in a lot of kinky BDSM “recipients” (I’m not educated enough to be confident that “bottoms” is the appropriate word) self-analysis.

    And I thank you for sharing this very personal, very central part of yourself.

  4. night owl says:

    I swear to God, this was like reading my own kink story!

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