I’ve always been someone who enjoyed porn. My first real experience with the endless pornographic undercurrent of the internet was at 16 when I would come home late at night from my after school job in a supermarket and would sneakily google “erotic fantasies”. Reading stories of two girls exploring each other’s bodies would get me excited and provide endless fodder for my sexually charged teenage brain. Finding the website literotica.com was like finding the Holy Grail – an endless supply of written word designed for nothing other than fuelling my fantasies. Looking back I remember finding myself drawn to stories is the “non-consent” category, stories of women being kidnapped and raped, forced into sexual acts against their will.
Later in my teenage years, armed with a laptop and broadband connection, I discovered the wonderland of video hosting sites such as redtube.com and pornhub.com. The same pattern would follow almost every time – I would find a clip, nothing out of the ordinary, and begin watching. As I became more and more aroused I would seek out videos tagged as ‘rough’ or ‘forced’. I would never dare search for these clips to start with though, it was always something I did when I became turned on. Immediately after coming I would quickly close the browser, disgusted in myself and denying the effect such scenes had on me.
Things changed in my mid-twenties when a close friend emailed me a clip from Fucking Machines. Going on to visit the fuckingmachines.com site itself, I found myself exploring kink.com – opening my mind to things I never allowed myself to even consider. Suddenly, here was everything I had been desperately searching for, even though until this point I had been unable to admit or even articulate the desires to myself. Discovering that BDSM existed was like turning on a light – knowledge that there were communities of people out there who were into what I was was liberating in a way that felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders.
Once I allowed myself to acknowledge these suppressed desires and explore them, I became more and more in touch with what I really wanted.
Being “kinky” has allowed me to connect, both on a physical and intellectual level, with people who understand BDSM and the needs that come with it. It has allowed me to be open about what I want and by being open, allowed the building of trust and setting of boundaries required to make fantasies reality.
A big part of kink for me personally is the ability to be submissive and give up control. I have always been a control freak, teachers described 5 year old me as being a “natural leader” and I need to feel as though I am in control at all times. Being submissive with someone allows me to give up any and all control of the situation and as such allow someone else the power of controlling me, something I am unable to do in day-to-day life.
I’ve never delved too far into myself conscious, probably out of fear of what I will find. Maybe the reason I like to be beaten and used during sex is because that is all I think I am worthy of (“we accept the love we think we deserve”)? Maybe it’s because, having struggled with mental illness all my life, I feel I am messed up and broken in ways that make it impossible for anyone to love me? Who would know?
What I do know is that having someone choke me sex, use me and abuse me satisfies and satiates me in such a way that it can’t be wrong, and it can’t be compared.